The Dialectics of Grief: Navigating Contradictions in Loss
Grief is one of the most complex emotions we experience. It’s a never-ending journey filled with ups and downs, windy unpredictable roads. One minute everything feels peaceful and then BOOM, a crashing wave of overwhelming sadness ensues. To understand grief is to understand its dialectical nature—a constant tension between opposing forces that coexist, often in ways that may feel contradictory. Being dialectic reminds us that you can have two opposing emotions and both can be true at the same time.
Mix of Emotions: Image by John Hain
What Are Dialectics?
I have been a Dialectical Behavior Therapist for years. I have always been drawn to DBT for so many reasons as it offers so many solution focused, evidence based skills, one being the topic of dialectics. I truly believe that if I hadn’t been skilled in this treatment before my own personal losses, I don’t know if I would be sitting here, writing this piece today.
But I digress, what does dialectics mean anyway? Dialectics involve the interplay of opposing forces or ideas, suggesting that truth often lies not in one concept or another, but both can be true. In DBT, we tend to use this concept when applying it to emotions. Dialectics help us recognize that seemingly opposing feelings can coexist. We can feel sad and hopeful, lost and connected—all at the same time. Understanding these paradoxes can help us navigate our own experience of grief more compassionately.
The Dualities of Grief
Grief involves multiple dialectical tensions that shape how we respond to loss. Below, we explore some of the most common dialectical experiences within grief, specifically being a survivor of murder-suicide.
1. The Pain of Loss vs. The Joy of Memories
One of the most poignant dialectics in grief is the tension between the pain of losing someone and the joy of remembering them. When we think of our loved ones who have passed, we often find ourselves torn between intense sadness and moments of warmth. I could be making one of my dad’s recipes which makes me feel connected and close to him but when I can’t remember how much of an ingredient was used and that I can’t simply pick up the phone and ask him, I find myself feeling immensely sad and angry.
Although it can make you feel like you are losing your mind at times, feeling these diverse emotions are important as they all have their truth. And at their core, these emotions are testaments of the love we had for our loved ones. I like the emotion, bittersweet. That one word sums up the spectrum of emotions we can feel at any given moment. As we learn to live forward, we will have times where life is sweet again and yet the taste of bitterness will arrive as we remember that our loved ones are not able to bask in these moments with us anymore.
We grieve deeply because we loved deeply, and within that love lies the beauty of all the shared moments. Learning to hold both the joy of memories and the pain of absence is part of finding our way through grief.
Sad girl painting: Image by Alexandra Haynak
2. Acceptance vs. Resistance
In my profession, acceptance is one of the hardest topics to process. It involves forgiveness, compassion, and a true decision to let go of what is not serving you anymore. “It is what it is” is the mantra of acceptance. Not asking the “why’s” but admitting that to live a life worth living, one has to accept what is out of their control. However, as a survivor of murder-suicide, how can my brain ever accept the tragedy of losing loved ones in this horrific manor. The answer is, it can’t, the brain cannot process it therefore acceptance may not be the answer or rather there may be other things I can accept and I will have to learn to live with the idea that I will never have radical acceptance. Radical acceptance means you one-hundred percent accept something.
I accept that my parents are gone, I accept that I will need to live forward without them, I accept that I will never have all the answers to why this tragedy occurred in the first place, I accept I cannot change the past, I accept that my life will never look the same again, etc..
Yes I accept all these things but the beauty of acceptance is I don’t have to like any of it. Sometimes, we just need to come to a place where we accept that our loved one is gone, acknowledge that this is an unchangeable part of our lives and not be forced to accept the other details that will never make sense.
So why do we need to have some version of acceptance, whatever that looks like for each of us. Simply, because we don’t deserve to suffer anymore. The pain will always be there, we can learn to live with it. But suffering is a choice and one that is undeserving and harmful to our existence. So I offer you this my friends, allow for space to both accept what you can and honor what you can’t so you ease through the grief without suffering.
How to Navigate the Dialectics of Grief
I wanted to leave you with some hope and options going forward as you navigate through these array of emotions.
Acknowledge All Feelings: Understand that feeling two opposing emotions is a natural part of grief. It’s okay to feel joy amidst sorrow, or acceptance alongside resistance, just don’t suffer.
Practice Self-Compassion: Recognize that grief is complex, and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Give yourself permission to experience these clusters of emotions without judgment.
Seek Support: At ISMS, we offer support groups and resources so you don’t have to do this alone. For more information, click here. We are here for you!
And remember, as survivors we don’t fit into the typical grief model and that’s ok. Our situations are more complex which means our journeys of living forward will look different for all of us.
