So often, I hear the question, "Which year is/was the hardest?" This is impossible to answer. Every individual is different, just as every loss is different. Grief is not linear, and it is so unpredictable. There are moments when you feel like you are "normal" and going about your daily life, and then something can hit you so hard that it brings you to your knees, whether it's a song on the radio, a whiff of the perfume they would always wear, or maybe just a random memory that pops into your mind. 

Grief will bring you down many roads, and you will face twists, turns, and some bumps. Certain roads will be filled with beautiful memories accompanied by bright sunshine and glorious rainbows, while others will be filled with storm clouds and rain. But you know what? It's all okay. We need to feel and take all our feelings as they come. Your feelings are valid. 

I remember at the beginning of my journey, people would say that the first year was the hardest because it was the first Christmas, Birthday, etc., without their loved ones, while others felt it was the second year because it started to actually sink in that they were gone. I recently just passed the four-year mark of my loss. I think it was the most challenging year yet for me. While I was not conscious of it, my body was. 

I feel like year one was spent in "business/work" mode, but I felt those gaping holes on all the important days. In year two, I was able to slow down, feel more of the loss and connect with others who had shared experiences, which was so helpful to me. Year three felt like a continuation of year two, but again, I always acknowledged the important days and incorporated my brother into my life in little ways every day. Year four saw some changes in my focus and a new passion for advocacy and support. What I didn't realize throughout the year was that my grief/PTSD were quietly conspiring against me in the background. 

I have always been a classic "avoider" when dealing with my feelings. As a child of the 1970s, I was always of the mindset to just "rub some dirt on it" and keep going. This past year, however, I think I ran out of dirt. My body started to speak up for itself, and as much as I tried to avoid it, I knew I needed to start listening. 

Year four came with a food addiction. For a long time, I made a joke of it until one incident made me realize that it wasn't a joke but actually a problem. Unfortunately, with food addiction came weight gain, a lot of weight gain. With weight gain came self-loathing because I hate the body I am in. I have always struggled with self-confidence, but even more so now. I started to notice that my mental health was slipping, and I could feel signs of clinical depression creeping in. Year four also saw a medical condition worsen, which led to a decline in my physical ability to fully be able to perform specific tasks both at home and on the job.

Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk wrote the book "The Body Keeps The Score," where he speaks to how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain. There is research and science that proves what my body is telling me now. I anticipate year 5 will be a year of trying to let go of some of my stubbornness and try to take care of myself. I think it is important that I was able to finally acknowledge what is going on and start on a path to better health. I have started seeing a therapist for the first time since my loss, and I am working on getting my food addiction under control. I am also starting to advocate for myself more when it comes to my health condition so I can receive the proper care for that as well.

So, long story short, there is no "hardest" year. This past year was tough, but it made me realize I needed to acknowledge things and make changes. Every year will be different for every person. Your journey is uniquely yours. The best thing you can do is feel all of your feelings completely and honestly. Listen to your body and mind. Don't be afraid to seek help, and always try to remember to practice self-care as best you can. And remember, self-care doesn't need to be some grand gesture, do little things that make you feel good. Crank up the music and belt out that great song in your car, color a picture, stay in the shower an extra 5 minutes, and just relax and let the warm water calm you. There are so many great things you can do for yourself. Give yourself grace and know that grief has no timeline; every year, every day is different.